Emergency Store Cupboard Brownies

We have awoken to a bleak, bleak day. The Tories have won an outright majority – something we didn’t think was possible yesterday morning – and support for UKIP is climbing terrifyingly high. I’m not sure our beautiful welfare state, our NHS, can survive another five years of cuts. It’s the weakest who will suffer first, and most. This, to me, is not what it means to be British. I thought we stood for fairness.

I don’t know what to say to make it better. Right now, my only suggestion is chocolate. You should have most of the stuff to make this kicking around.


170g sugar (whatever you’ve got, but caster if you’re buying it especially)
170g self-raising flour
2 tbsp cocoa powder
A pinch of salt
5tbsp sunflower oil
1 tsp vanilla essence
230ml soya milk (or normal, if that’s what you’ve got. But the soya is nice here – it gives it a slightly more complex flavour I think. Also, if you use soya milk, then these brownies are vegan, and vegan food really annoys right wing people for some reason, which is obviously desirable)

  1. Preheat the oven to 180C and stick some baking parchment in a 8in square tin. Maybe have a glass of wine or go and punch something while the oven warms up.
  2. Sieve all the dry ingredients together in a big bowl and give them a stir.
  3. Chuck all the wet ingredients in as well. Stir aggressively with a wooden spoon for a bit. It will still be a bit lumpy. Whatever.
  4. Pour into your tin and stick it in the oven for half an hour.
  5. Take them out and leave to cool for ten minutes, then cut into 9.
  6. Take the brownies to your friends, and eat them together while telling each other how sad you are, how disappointed and scared. Eat at least three of these each. You need to keep your strength up. Tomorrow we start the fight again.


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