If You Care About Kanye, You Are Doing Festivals Wrong

All of this fuss about Kanye playing at Glastonbury is ridiculous. The thing is, we’re talking about a headline slot, here. That’s at about 9-10pm. Do you really expect to have your shit so firmly together at 9-10pm, on Saturday night, at Glastonbury, that you will be disappointed by a bit of Kanye? I don’t know about you, but this is how my average festival day goes –

9:00am – Wake up. Whyyyyyyyyyyy? Oh God. So hot. So hot in the tent. Need air. Need water. Need a wee. Need coffee. Need to brush teeth. Why must everything be so hard and painful?

11:00am – Have completed epic mission of festival morning hygiene routine and now have bacon sandwich and overpriced latte. Happy! Find more hungover friend to mock.

Noon – TIME TO START DRINKING AGAIN. Grab four cans of tepid cider from tent. This will last for a while.

1:00pm – Wander round some stalls. Could get face painted. Will this make me look like a cool kooky free spirit? Or a twat?

1:05pm – Definitely a twat.

1:10pm – Consider buying bongos.

1:12pm – Same problem though.

1:15pm – Buy Saturday Guardian for free bag, and sit reading it on hay bale with okayish band in earshot, sipping cider. So cultured! So cool! So good at combining youthful fun with adult restraint! Will def make it back to tent before dawn tonight, and not fall asleep on top of sleeping bag, still fully dressed.

1:30pm – Oh no! Run out of cider. Now need a wee, a lot. Also, more cider. Embark on epic mission to have a wee/get more cider.

3:00pm – Mission complete. Time to see some bands! While drinking cider.

3:15 – 7:00pm – Window for actual musical appreciation. See approx five bands including at least two of the following – massive band you loved when you were 16, massive band you love now, surprisingly excellent mainstream pop act, band you had literally forgotten all about. Have great time.

7:30pm – Man, are you hungry. And drunk!! Let’s get a burger. And more cider! Yeeeeeeah 😀

8:00pm – Probably time to head over to see headline act, because your friend wants to or you used to have their album or whatever. After you’ve had maybe a shot of rum off this guy you think you maybe went to uni with or something? He seems to know you anyway.

8:10pm – Still don’t remember who this guy is, but he is a LEGEND!! More shots!

8:30pm – Okay def going to pyramid stage to watch headline act now. Yes.

8:35pm – After you’ve had a wee. Where are the toilets?

8:40pm – In the interests of saving time, go to the lady-urinals. It’ll be fine! You can handle this. Anything men can do, etc.

8:50pm – Wee down leg a bit. Oh, whatever, it’s dark now anyway, no one will know.

9:00pm – Okay, headline act started now. Distant screams audible. Head over.

9:10pm – It is so rammed around here you can’t get any closer than approx half a mile away.

9:15pm – Is actually pretty nice here though. There’s a bar, and these guys will let you stand on their bit of wall to have a better look at the tiny headline band. And it’s quiet enough to chat!

9:30pm – OMG IT’S THAT SONG YOU KNOW OF THEIRS!!!!!?!?! Sing along LOUDLY!

9:35pm – So we can go now, yes?

9:45pm – Stumble upon THE BEST BAND EVER OMFG. No, didn’t catch their name. Dance for ages.

11:00pm – WAY more cider needed. Maybe get three pints to save time.

11:30pm – Find a comedy thing. You love comedy things!! Very very very funny. No, don’t really remember what it was about.

12:30am – Find bonfire. Love bonfires! Nice friend lets you share their box of wine. WIN.

1:00am – EXTREMELY deep chat with friends, both old and brand new. Have possibly solved meaning of life. Very exciting and interesting.

2:00am – Maybe we should go dancing?

2:15 – 5:00am – ?????????

5:05am – Stumble back to tent, clutching empty wine bladder. Inflate it for use as makeshift pillow. Fall asleep on top of sleeping bag, still fully dressed, smelling of bonfires and slightly of wee. Nightnight.

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