A few years ago I was reading some article on dieting, as I am wont to do, when I came across the words –
“An adult woman seeking to lose 1-2 pounds per week requires 1,400 calories per day, the same amount as a seven year old child…”
I will not recount to you the rest of the article, as it was tedious and ricecake based. Those words though, stuck with me. Because I have struggled, for years and years, with how to feed myself, how to manage myself, how to make workaday decisions about my welfare. But all these little things – should I have a chocolate bar? Should I watch another episode of Game Of Thrones or go to bed? Should I go out with my friends tonight? – I know EXACTLY what I would say if it wasn’t me I was talking to, but a seven year old.
I have developed a loose list of rules which I use to govern my behaviour, based on the idea of looking after myself the same way I would if I was my own child, if you see what I mean. It’s obviously not always appropriate, and I fail a lot, but I still want to share them with you. This is what caring for myself well means to me – not too indulgent, not too draconian. Reasonable, and kind.
The Food Rules
You can always, always have fruits and vegetables. As much as you like. No exceptions.
You should really have breakfast every day, even if it is just a banana on the bus.
Can you have a biscuit? Yes, go on then. Three? Hmmm. Maybe, if you’re on a hike or something. A whole packet? NO mate, nice try.
You get three meals per day. Ideally they consist of some carb, some protein and some fruit/veg.
Sometimes, you can get pizza or McDonalds if you want to. But you know in your heart how often is reasonable to do this. Once a week, approx. NOT once a day. But sure, sometimes you can have chips.
See also, sweets. Of course you can have them sometimes. But only sometimes. My dad used to buy me penny mix on the way home from school every Friday. That feels about right.
There will be some days, like Christmas, or your birthday, or on holiday, when the normal rules go out of the window and you are allowed chocolate for breakfast. Enjoy these times! Revel in them. But they are high days and holidays. Not Tuesdays.
Never shame yourself about food. You are not “greedy” or “a pig” and if you ate too much and now you feel uncomfortable, that was a mistake which you will try to learn from, not a damning and permanent indication of your character.
Much more important than what you don’t eat is what you do. Wholesome food. Enough of it. The energy and vitamins you need to be healthy, and happy.
The Other Rules
It is a good idea to have a notional, age-appropriate bedtime. Mine is about 11:30. You are only really allowed to stay up past this on special occasions and weekends.
You have to “do your homework”, whatever this means for you. It might mean spending time writing, or another creative pursuit, or perhaps learning French, or doing the housework, or working on your startup or teaching yourself to code… Whatever. But if you have a thing that makes you feel a sense of accomplishment or joy but is not easy to motivate yourself to do, you should do it.
Playing with your friends is a good thing to do and while you can’t do it all day every day, you should definitely assume that most Friday nights you will go to the pub with your mates, or whatever your equivalent is.
As long as you can afford them, you are ALWAYS allowed books.
When you have been to school and done your homework, you are definitely allowed to play computer games and watch tv and you should not feel at all guilty about doing this. But not for, like, 8 hours straight, you’ll feel weird and cranky after and you’ll get square eyes.
If your think your one of your friends (colleagues, boss, partner) is being mean to you, you should not automatically assume that it is because you are a dick, and that they are right. You should probably gently encourage yourself to see if you can view the situation from their side though, and try to find a solution. Operate on the assumption that you can be kind, both to yourself and to them, and that if you need to end some kind of relationship, it is not because either they or you are a horrendous dickhead neccessarily, but these things do sometimes happen.
Some leisure activities are extremely wholesome and good for you and will always make you feel great, so they should be practiced as a first option wherever possible. You will know what yours are. Mine are – reading, anything involving light physical activity, anything that takes place outdoors, anything that involves seeing friends but not getting absolutely pissed, being in any body of water and low-pressure cookery – this has pretty much not changed since I was 7. So my perfect bank holiday Monday would be – reading in the bath for an hour followed by a BBQ.
If you feel tearful and sad for no clear reason, the appropriate response is NOT to snap at yourself to pull yourself together. Nor is it to offer yourself an entire chocolate cake. It is to give yourself a cuddle and ask what’s wrong, and then listen to the answer.
Pepper your life with treats to look forward to. These can be food based but should not always be. Go to see films you want to, have a day at a theme park, book tickets to a musical.
The Ultimate Rule
Don’t be mean to yourself. Look after yourself, don’t call yourself names, don’t punish yourself for small mistakes and accidents. Be reasonable.
I’d love to know what you think of all this. I’m sure not everyone struggles with moderation as much as I do! But if you do, I hope this helped xx
My homework can seem too much sometimes, as in my head it tends to end up being ‘save the world’. I know that is not possible or a healthy burden to put on myself. So I have decided to spend more time on abstract things that have nothing to do with inequality or climate change or world peace. But alongside that I also need to teach myself to accept that I’m not suddenly going to stop stressing about saving the world, and to be patient, and take progress in small steps rather than giant leaps.
I don’t know if that makes sense.
That makes SO much sense. My homework is “become beloved internationally famous novelist” so is equally required to be broken into manageable chunks!
This is perfect. You make so much sense, thank you!! I struggle with moderation and being kind to myself, I think these often go together as I’m also a very ‘all or nothing’ person so if I haven’t achieved a Nobel prize, I might as well chuck myself in the bin and if I’m not allowed the entire, person-sized Galaxy bar, I might as well eat nothing and be grumpy!! I’m trying really hard to get to a happy, in-between place and reading this has really helped!! Thanks again – Fran x
This is perfect. You make so much sense, thank you!! I struggle with moderation and being kind to myself, I think these often go together as I’m also a very ‘all or nothing’ person so if I haven’t achieved a Nobel prize, I might as well chuck myself in the bin and if I’m not allowed the entire, person-sized Galaxy bar, I might as well eat nothing and be grumpy!! I’m trying really hard to get to a happy, in-between place and reading this has really helped!! Thanks again – Fran x
Reblogged this on Good Mental Hygiene and commented:
Some truly beautiful advice. I’d love to be able to take it. I’m going to try.
Reblogged this on Good Mental Hygiene and commented:
Some truly beautiful advice. I’d love to be able to take it. I’m going to try.
I think this is wonderful advice. I’m hoping I might be able to take it, but self-care is something I am very bad at. I’ve reblogged it on ‘Good Mental Hygiene’ my mental health blog, so hopefully some of my readers will benefit from it too!
I think this is wonderful advice. I’m hoping I might be able to take it, but self-care is something I am very bad at. I’ve reblogged it on ‘Good Mental Hygiene’ my mental health blog, so hopefully some of my readers will benefit from it too!
This important and beautiful and wise and everyone should read it. Those are my thoughts. 😀
This important and beautiful and wise and everyone should read it. Those are my thoughts. 😀
Dear Lucy,
This is absolutely brilliant! Thank you, I have trouble being kind to myself a lot of the time and often fall into “eating all the cake” responses to stress and pain. I work with teenage children and often I have to remind myself they are still children and learning and need an appropriate amount of care, freedom, boundaries and trust. It reminds me to treat myself the same way and often I find I can’t treat other people appropriately if I am not practicing it on myself. Your absolutely wonderful idea made me think about how we learn to be trustworthy and responsible adults (perhaps in part by being trusted with increasingly demanding tasks and having our curiosity stimulated and nurtured.) there is a great film call “schools of trust” http://youtu.be/pfHrgRITnVM where they explore democratic education. What struck me, when I heard how these children consider learning and life, is that it is exactly how I would like to feel about my own life and skills. Sometimes I wonder if it is possible to relearn and unlearn all the things we were taught as children/adolescents that now seem to drive us into destructive habits. And as your writing suggests, to remember and practice those things that helped us to grow into caring and accomplished adults.
I thoroughly enjoy your blog emails and find them both interesting and supportive, thank you. Keep up the wonderful “homework”! (I really love how you characterize homework as: > > a thing that makes you feel a sense of accomplishment or joy but is not easy to motivate yourself to do, > How I wish I could make all school homework like this!)
Hope you have a great week! Thalia
>
Dear Lucy,
This is absolutely brilliant! Thank you, I have trouble being kind to myself a lot of the time and often fall into “eating all the cake” responses to stress and pain. I work with teenage children and often I have to remind myself they are still children and learning and need an appropriate amount of care, freedom, boundaries and trust. It reminds me to treat myself the same way and often I find I can’t treat other people appropriately if I am not practicing it on myself. Your absolutely wonderful idea made me think about how we learn to be trustworthy and responsible adults (perhaps in part by being trusted with increasingly demanding tasks and having our curiosity stimulated and nurtured.) there is a great film call “schools of trust” http://youtu.be/pfHrgRITnVM where they explore democratic education. What struck me, when I heard how these children consider learning and life, is that it is exactly how I would like to feel about my own life and skills. Sometimes I wonder if it is possible to relearn and unlearn all the things we were taught as children/adolescents that now seem to drive us into destructive habits. And as your writing suggests, to remember and practice those things that helped us to grow into caring and accomplished adults.
I thoroughly enjoy your blog emails and find them both interesting and supportive, thank you. Keep up the wonderful “homework”! (I really love how you characterize homework as: > > a thing that makes you feel a sense of accomplishment or joy but is not easy to motivate yourself to do, > How I wish I could make all school homework like this!)
Hope you have a great week! Thalia
>
[…] Source: Self Care – Being Your Own Seven Year Old […]
[…] Source: Self Care – Being Your Own Seven Year Old […]
This is great. My 7 year old self always had a problem with screen time. Still does. My 7 year old self had and still has a problem with going to school and being engaged by it. Fortunately he doesn’t mind homework and is managing to make schoolwork a lot more like homework. Most fortunately my 7 year old self didn’t have many good friends. My current 7 year old self has managed to rectify this and pick some smashing wise and articulate ones, or maybe they picked him! x
My 7 year old self really struggled with friends as well. The current one couldn’t be luckier about the ones who picked her/she picked xx
This is great. My 7 year old self always had a problem with screen time. Still does. My 7 year old self had and still has a problem with going to school and being engaged by it. Fortunately he doesn’t mind homework and is managing to make schoolwork a lot more like homework. Most fortunately my 7 year old self didn’t have many good friends. My current 7 year old self has managed to rectify this and pick some smashing wise and articulate ones, or maybe they picked him! x
My 7 year old self really struggled with friends as well. The current one couldn’t be luckier about the ones who picked her/she picked xx
Reblogged this on Alhazred's Ghost and commented:
Easily the best self-care guide I’ve ever read.
Reblogged this on Alhazred's Ghost and commented:
Easily the best self-care guide I’ve ever read.
[…] more advice about self-care and dealing with problems see here and […]
[…] more advice about self-care and dealing with problems see here and […]