So the idea is, this is like a liveblog, except obviously this episode aired on Thursday and no one watches live TV anymore. But if you like, watch along with me! Or just read this at your desk with a cheeky hangover while pretending to “do a spreadsheet” – your call.
First Dates is a wonderful reality television show in which people are matched with likely partners by Channel 4 producers in an attempt to get ratings by making hopeless romantics/people who love watching awkward social situations addicted to the endless human drama of the hunt for love. And it works great!
Spoilers spoilers spoilers, obviously.
Okay let’s go!
We open, as is traditional, with a cheeky to-camera piece of wisdom from maitre’d Fred Sirieix. SERIOUSLY what is the backstory with Fred? Are his intentions evil or is he just some kind of love santa?
Now, this episode is called “the proposal” and we’ve literally opened on Scott getting down on one knee in front of Victoria. So who knows what will happen?
A quick cut back to Fred. He is pretending to be Santa hecause he is SO love santa. Oh hang on has he just given one of the waitresses a gift of a signed photo of himself. That’s not very santa-y.
A girl whose name I didn’t catch (so let’s call her X) has just announced that she is looking for a boyfriend to go to Winter wonderland with and who is “nice”. Good luck X! She is matched with Luke. Oh how sweet! Luke does not know what Netflix and chill is and he put it on his tindr profile literally because he likes watching netflix and chilling. My heart! He’s given her some flowers. He is nice!
Adam and Dan, a couple from a previous show, have rocked up with matching beards and Christmas jumpers. They are in love now and obviously both a laugh. Our host in his creepy bit to camera says that there is no better feeling than a date going well and a chance encounter growing into something more meaningful. WHAT IS HIS GAME? Does he have a secret weapon that is fuelled by oxytocin or something? Maybe he is just an actor being paid to pretend to be overly invested in other people’s love lives, but somehow I don’t think so.
Now to the meat of the episode – Louisa is back! You may remember Louisa from a previous episode, in which she revealed that she once attended a fancy dress party dressed as Exeter Cathedral. She smiles at the camera and announces that she is ready to “slay the males. YES LOUISA, SLAY THEM!!
Genuinely though, she is someones perfect person and I hope that Fred can find her a bloody lovely boy to allure. And he seems to have come up trumps with “Mariah Carey enthusiast Will” – Brilliant!
Will has just described studying theology as “very cool”- a strong start (and a big lie). Louisa has announced that she does stand up comedy. WHAT is this real?? I will be her manager. Sadly I think she might be joking.
Back to X and Luke, who are talking about the importance of family. They both have v strong family values and Luke get his Mum to be in his snapchats “singing rap songs she’s never heard of”. Sure?
Louisa has just asked the waitress what the ratio of pastry to mince pie filling was and Will laughed like that was the most charming thing he’d ever heard. Oh, please like her.
X and Luke have just agreed that X’s eyebrows are on fleek. They are like a walking representation of 18-25 year olds.
Will has just announced that he plays with cards in his room rather than go out and is now showing Louisa a magic trick. She looks pretty impressed TBH.
X and Luke would like to see each other again!!! They are so young and sweet. Oh, no one’s ever bought her champagne or flowers before! Bloody well done Luke. Ah, Luke has just said he might pop down X’s chimney for Christmas. She is speechless, but does not look horrified. You go for it kids!
“Fireman Paul” is back! Apparently he got a lot of flack last time because everyone thought he rejected his date because she had kids. It was actually, he clarified, because he didn’t fancy her enough.
Oh no! Paul and his date already know each “from tinder”. Ah, 2015.
Louisa made Will some lovely biscuits and he got her an inflatable snowman. She announced she was good at blowing. Brilliant. AAAAAAAH they want to see each other again and maybe go and see some comedy. They get in a taxi together. “Hello! Can you take us to the nearest drinking establishment?” Good work, Louisa. Go well.
Fireman Paul has been going on about how she ended their correspondence on tinder, and has also questioned her about whether she is okay with chipolatas. “Because if you are, we have a problem.” Yuck. Knob off, Fireman Paul.
Scott and Victoria are back! I love Victoria. In the last episode she explained why she wanted to adopt children – because if you meet someone on a date you might fall in love with them and they’ll become your whole world. So why wouldn’t that happen to you with a child? Which I thought was really nice.
Fireman Paul has snogged his date, which would normally make me do a little happy cry, but I hate him so let’s move on.
Fred has started talking about gifts and Scott looks WELL nervous. OOOOOOH WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN???
Aaaaaaaaaaaah!! He’s down on one knee! He’s… given her a haribo ring! (I know someone who got engaged with a hula hoop <3). This is lovely.
“Are you going to see each other again?”
“Nah, I don’t fancy it… Or the other option is, every single day for the rest of our lives.”