Blogmas Day 2 – Winter Cycling Tips

Around this time of year, the cycle commute I normally feel so smug about starts to really bite me in the ass. Ten miles a day sounds impressive, but on a balmy summer evening, it’s a real piece of piss if I’m honest with you. In winter though, all that changes, and the shortest of trips in the dark and cold and wet makes me want to jack a car and throw my bike into the river.

BUT there are a few things you can do to mitigate the misery of a winter cycle! I have written you a handy list –

• Check your tyres are pumped up and your chain’s well oiled.
• Consider cross training – yoga will improve your core strength, helping you keep your balance on icy roads.
• It is also advisable to practice exercising your facial muscles, so when you arrive at work after five miles grimly pedalling through driving sleet and your colleagues try to do banter with you by asking if it’s “a bit rainy out there, eh, love?” you can scowl as deeply as necessary without injury.
• Have you considered quitting your job? You would not have to cycle to work if you quit your job.
• You might find cycling easier if you weighed less. Try attaching a cloud of helium balloons to yourself as a way to cut relative mass while keeping muscle tone – this is also great for your visibility.
• Dress the part. The Swedes say there is no such thing as bad weather – only bad clothing! So invest in some good waterproof trousers, or maybe a small portable forcefield to encase you. This will keep off rain, sleet and snow, as well as protect you from fellow cyclists carelessly knocking you into the gutter.
• The roads can become congested around this time of year. Train a flock of kites or seagulls swoop down and carry you to your destination on particularly bad traffic days. Remember though, if your commute home is after dark, you must also train some owls.
• Cars, while usually driven by reasonable individuals, can also be operated by total pricks at this time of year. Be aware that some drivers will not give way to you or make allowances for your more cautious cycling techniques in icy conditions. They may even honk their horns or shout abuse at you. Be prepared for this by practising transfiguration well in advance so you can turn them and their shitty fiat punto into a charming festive item e.g. a Christmas tree or candy cane.
• Last but not least, remember to eat breakfast before you leave the house. It’s the most important meal of the day!